So Lonely, yet so at peace...

So its been almost a week since I broke up with my boyfriend, and yes, I do miss him...I still love him and care about it in a way that isn't just going to fade away, but I also know that I need this time to sort out my life. I've let myself go the wrong way for so long, looked for something to fill the voids in my life, searching in all the wrong places.  I really can't expain, but I'm very much at peace right now...even druing the times when I'm lonely, and missing Joe, which is like all the time. But I know God has something in store for me, and I need to be patient and wait on him right now, instead of jumping to my own conclusions, and doing my own thing, like I have been for so long. 

I guess that's all for now....off to Bible study :)

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If anyone really cares...
Current mood: depressed

So, I'm sitting here, my mind is racing, wondering if I did the right thing.  I broke up with Joe yesterday, and its been really hard.  I'm not sure that he understood what I was trying to tell him, or if he knows that I still do love him.  Its so hard right now...I just want to cry, and for some reason the tears just won't come.  I've cried so much over the past two weeks that I don't know that I have any more tears left. I want so much out of this life, and I need time to think and collect my thoughts.  I've been hurt so much in my life, by people who will never know the extent that they have hurt me.  Why is it that the people that I love and care about the most are the people that have hurt me the most? Why have I lived my whole life and only now let myself feel any pain?  I've shoved and buried these things so deeply and now they refuse to be silent anymore.  I can't live my life like I have....I want to mush more to my life than what this world has to offer, and only a handful of people know what I'm talking about.  I love life, life in of itself is such a beautiful thing, terrifying and excting all in one breath.  I can't stand living life in a box, feeling trapped, allowing people to use me.  I just want to cry, and no tears will come, I want to be a little child again, without the cares that I feel, because I don't ever remeber being a child that didn't feel alone.  I was always alone, always scared of people, always felt unloved, unwanted, unworthy to be loved.  And those who said they loved me, did they really love me? Did they love me for me?  Or just the idea of me?  Was it that I could be manipulated into whatever they wanted, and that's what they loved about me?  I'm not sure anymore.  I know God is doing some major work on my heart right now, and he's healing my relationship with my mother so much.  I still struggle with all these thoughts, they overwhelm me, make me feel tired, ready to give up.  I don't know...Does anyone even care?  Does anyone even listen to me?  Or am I just a whisper that gets lost in the noise of this world...

Currently listening: Golden Road By Keith Urban Release date: By 08 October, 2002

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